Parent's Message From Melody

Spring 2007

Father, Dad, Daddy, Pop, Papa, Pa, You are important to your child...

Things have changed since I was born in 1951. The role of "father" in those years was primarily one of "provider, protector, and disciplinarian". Today's fathers have the opportunity to participate more fully throughout pregnancy, childbirth, and in the raising and nurturing of their children in general.

father and sons Among the families I work with, fathers have reported bonding with their child beginning at conception. These fathers have been present at one or more of the prenatal visits, have attended childbirth classes, and have been active participants in coaching and supporting their partners during labor and childbirth (my own father was relegated to a waiting room in the hospital during my mother's labor and delivery).

In spite of greater opportunities to participate during pregnancy and birth of their children, some of the fathers I've worked with have reported that their careers and the mismanagement of time have been the biggest barriers of bonding with and building relationships with their children. All agree that maintaining a healthy balance between work and family is what they are striving for.

"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."
~Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994

Here are some suggestions for assisting fathers in building connection with their children:

Spend focused, "mindful" time with your child. What you do is not as important as being mentally and emotionally present when you're with your child no matter what you're doing together.
When coming home from work, try to enter your child's flow, rather than expect her to enter into yours. Rather than starting a new activity, try and join your child in what she is currently doing.
Tune in to the moments when your child is spontaneously adventurous, such as deciding to build a fort with sheets and blankets, and be willing to drop things so you can join him.
Allow your nurturing, loving, and affectionate side to come forward. Receiving physical and verbal affection means the world to all of us. Tell your child often how much you love him and most important, not because of how he performs or behaves...let him know you love him without conditions.
Read to your child.
Listen to your child without an agenda. Hear what she has to say and listen to her expression of feelings (even when, especially when, her feelings are "intense") without trying to fix, convince, give advice, and most of all, without judging.
Take the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with each child even if it is just a walk to the corner store.
Tell your child stories about things you experienced when you were his age.
Choose an interest you and your child both share and plan activities around that interest.
Rearrange your schedule to attend parent teacher conferences at your child's school and recitals, plays, sports activities, or any other activities your child is participating in.
Spend time listening to and talking with your child about his/her day.

Don't underestimate for one minute how important you are in your child's life.

"Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!"
~Lydia M. Child, Philothea: A Romance, 1836

Happy Father's Day!
Love~melody

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Winter 2007: A Shift in Perception